Hot Mess Express

I tell my husband all the time I feel like a hot mess. 

I was lying before when I said it and now I’m for real. 
I am an emotional wreck lately. I heard a Christmas song on Thanksgiving day as I was prepping in the kitchen and I broke down sobbing. I saw a mother/daughter shopping in DressBarn today and I ran out the door sobbing like an idiot….luckily without anything in hand.  I write a card to a friend and can’t get through it without tears. I read something on Facebook and I’m instantly a mess. I see a photo of my mom and I just want to curl up in a ball and never get up. I see Ellen giving away thousands of dollars to some homeless woman and I sob on the couch and can’t get up for an hour. 
Like, seriously, what is this? 
I don’t know if it’s the “time of year” and that I’m missing my mom. It could be the holidays and how rough and sad they are. It could be that I’m a woman and it’s just part of who I am. It could be that I’ve adjusted or stopped taking some medicine and I’m starting to feel again. It could be that a dear friend is going through the same hell I went through 13 years ago and my heart is literally breaking for her and her kids. 
Or, maybe, it’s al those things piled together. 

And maybe, it’s okay to be emotional and shed some tears. 
I use to always take pride in showing no emotion. 
Now I’m ready to just face this head on. For now.
In saying that for now I’m totally cool with all of you knowing that I may break down in fetal position and sob like a child occasionally. Or, I may tear up at the silliest things. 
Just bear with me. Please please please don’t hug me. That will only make my sons turn into the hyperventilating hiccup sobs and snot will then likely be on your shoulder. 
Just call me Hot Mess Express. 
Love me or hate me, but if you do hate me please don’t tell me because then I’ll start crying again. 
Heck, who am I kidding….even nice things make me cry. 
Anyone else had days/weeks/months like this? 

Love to all, 
Ash 
Miss you Momma
12-1-2001

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