Approximately 30 weeks or so for me and for 3 or so weeks after delivery It feels like someone had punched me down yonder and it hurt  to walk. Real bad. 

Now I know. 

Before delivering I lost all bladder control. I didn’t even know how bad it could get. Like peeling when you stand up after you’ve already peed. I swear he laughed inside as he adjusted himself further on my bladder. Coughing. Laughing. Sneezing. Everything required crossing my legs. Before pregnancy I was like a damn camel. I could go all day long without going. Nope, not while pregnant. My classroom is directly across from the restroom, thank goodness. My kids knew if I snuck out where they could find me. It was every hour, at least. Ridiculous. I am happy to report, for those wondering, that my camel like status has returned. 

Now I know. 

I’d heard about the hormones. I’ve seen them in action from living with my sister and BIL when Shai was born. I’ve seen friends at home after giving birth. I thought I’d have a handle on things experiencing it through so many others. Ummmmm…..no. Hell no. WRONG. During pregnancy I cried about sentimental things. Songs on the radio. Sweet commercials (Riley Children’s Hospital one still gets me). Stupid videos on Facebook. Everything. After E was born for two weeks straight I basically cried all day long. All. Day. Long. I cried because it was getting dark outside. I cried because a visitor left. I cried because E was crying. I cried because there was no way I could ever let my husband go back to work and do this alone. I cried because he wouldn’t latch on right and it hurt. I cried because he wasn’t gaining weight fast enough. I cried because I was sleepless. All day long. I cried. My poor sweet husband took care of me the entire time. Rubbed my back. Dried my tears. Handed me Kleenex. Sent me to bed. I look back and have no idea how he did it without losing his damn mind. But he did. Thank God he did. Hormones are real and for some, like me, baby blues are freaking scary real. I was so worried I wouldn’t come out of it after two weeks like most do. Postpartum depression. I just wanted a pill to feel normal again. Everyone kept telling me to wait it out. I did and I survived. Not everyone does. That shit can be real scary. 

Now I know. 

Hormones also caused me to get real hairy. Hairy chin. Hairy belly. Just hairy. It’s rather gross and I’m guessing I’ll never return to normal. What in the world though?

Now I know. 

Oh that bladder thing, You might pee your pants. Not saying that I did. But you might. 

Now I know. 

At some point you might struggle wiping. Your arms get shorter or your belly just gets in the way. It’s like things just get lost. This is probably more information than you needed, but since when have you known me to hold back? And if you’ve ever been pregnant you know exactly what I’m talking about. 

Now I know. 

Speaking of the toilet, Constipation blows. But not literally.  It’s like you’re going to give birth on the toilet. Then nothing happens. 

Now I know. 

Cravings do exist. Sometimes not til the end. Pancakes. Mmmm pancakes. I still dream of pancakes and believe someday Easton will have a love for them just like momma. Pancakes from Cracker Barrel or my husband are the best. Apparently my BIL Brandon makes amazing pancakes but he was never kind enough to make me any. That’s a bunch of crap, isn’t it? 

Now I know about cravings. 

You also can’t reach places you want to scratch. It’s like your arms aren’t long enough for anything. You’ve lost so many abilities and not being able to scratch that irritable stretching skin is a bunch of crap too. 

Now I know. 

You can get an epidural. But there’s a chance it will wear off by the time it’s actually showtime. And you can feel every rip tear and pain. BUT your doctor may tell you that you are a great pusher all because you could feel it. Gee, thanks doc. Is there some sort of special seat in heaven for being a great pusher? No?  Not interested then. Give me the epidural and give me more next time please. 

Now I know. 

After giving birth you will not be done. You’ll have to push the placenta out and for me that felt amazing. I felt like I lost another part of me but in a good way….like I had lost another 8 pounds. What no one cares to tell you is that your doctor also checks your bum hole and tells you she’s going to as she’s doing it. Ummm. Hi. I just pushed out an 8 lb miracle how about a little heads up before you stick your finger there. Ok?

Now I know. 

Contractions. You’ll know when you’re having them and you won’t remember a damn thing about breathing when they come if you took that way too informative birth and baby class. They do suck a bit but the end result is incredible. A new life. Created by you and the Hubs. 

But now I know. 

E is almost 7 weeks and I am so glad that we still have quite a bit of time together at home. For so many reasons. He changes every single day. I don’t want to miss one thing. I will tell you I had no clue how much time this little human would consume. There are days I begin to smell myself and wonder when I showered last. Sometimes showering isn’t worth hearing him scream because I’ve already loved him so much he doesn’t like to be put down. He’s not spoiled, just really loved. He is very time consuming but worth every second. 

Breastfeeding is a beast. It hasn’t been easy for us since day one. I thought in the hospital I was a pro. Each time a lactation consultant (LC) would come in I had family visiting and I was like “nah, I got this” and dismissed them. Biggest mistake ever. I needed their help and I waited too long to ask for it. Despite our latch issues and my bleeding sore nipples we are over 7 weeks EBF (exclusively breastfed) minus the day back in his first week he had a bit of formula to help him gain some weight. I’m no super woman I just had a great husband, wonderful cousin and friend who ARE pro milkers, and a great support group at the hospital full of amazing LC’s. I couldn’t have done it without any of them. I also had a sister and best friends telling me it was okay to quit if I couldn’t do it….and I needed them too. Basically everyone telling me whatever I thought was best and could handle….that would be perfectly fine for me and E. Since I’m stubborn as hell I really wanted to keep going if I could. There were (and still are) multiple times I was ready to be done but somehow we’ve made it this far. No, I have no idea how long I’ll nurse him but I have a few goals in mind. I hope I can accomplish them but if I can’t we will both be just fine. I’ve learned that breastfeeding is not for everyone.  I love the bonding. I love every moment he smiles that milk drunk smile and lets me know he’s full and content. Easton’s a bit pokey at eating….like 30-45 minutes pokey. And when that’s happening every 2-3 hours…..our day is basically consumed with him latched on and me sitting down. I’m not really a sitter so that’s been tough. I know that he’s not always starving because I’ve also learned it’s not always about being a food source. Sometimes I’m just comfort for him. I’m a soother. A pacifier. I’m his mommy and he wants to be close. I didn’t know it would take up so much of my day but I’m so very glad my whole day is him. 

Now I know. 

Now I know how amazing it is to be a mother and I miss mine even more every day. Wishing she were here for all these moments. 

Now I know I would never want to do anything else in my life but have sore nipples, hemorrhoids, crazy hormones, and losing bladder control if love looks like this….

Truly Fortunate!