Every day I look into little man’s eyes it breaks my heart a little because you aren’t here. You aren’t here for me to ask questions. You aren’t here to hold my hand. You aren’t here for me to drop him off at your house so I can take a break or run errands. You aren’t here and selfishly I need you here more for me than I think for him. You aren’t here physically where I can see you and feel you but I know you watch over us. I swear you stand right behind the chair because he’s constantly looking up in that empty space smiling. 

I’m struggling. My anxiety and now a little depression. I’m struggling knowing I have to return to work in a few weeks and leave him behind. I’ll miss stuff and I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I wish I could stay at home. 

I realize I can’t. It’s not what is best for our family and I have to stop thinking of myself all the time. 

But then I really cry when I think about what the second best option would be. The option so many of my friends have. His grandma watching him every day. You watching him every day. You could spoil him rotten. Sing him songs. Read him books. You watching him every single day would be the second best option to me staying at home. 

Even that’s not an option. 

It sucks this isn’t even an option but I guess in the grand scheme of things it’s just me being selfish. You couldn’t really be a grandma if you were with him every single day. He needs to socialize and make friends at daycare. And Miss J is going to love him so much and he will adore her too. 

This is just me being whiney. 

Declaring, yet again, life’s not fair. 

This isn’t an open invite to my pity party. It’s just a party for me. 

Tomorrow is a better day. A new day. 

I just had to whine a little.