Okay…..last two questions answered.
Seriously though. This was the most therapeutic thing I have done since losing my mom. Even better than the couple of psychiatrists I saw. Writing heals.
What are three moments recently you think your Mom was with you?
For sure she was with me at the mini. I had some very emotional moments during the mini. Some moments I questioned life entirely. Her voice just popped in my head and she reminded me I was strong. I could persevere. I had what it took to finish this and prove myself wrong.
My mom was also with me just this week when I was planting flowers. It was such a peaceful, beautiful evening out in the country. My guy was next to me but we were in silence for much of the time in the dirt. Every time I plant flowers I feel her with me. Maybe it’s just because I know she loved doing the same thing. Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing it right, or not being gentle enough or patient enough. That’s probably her talking too. J
When I visit the cemetery is when I feel the closest to her. For her birthday I go and eat a cupcake at her stone. On Mother’s Day I touch up her flowers and freshen things up a bit. At Christmas I like it when the snow is falling and I usually tell her what I would have bought her this year if she were alive. I always feel her there. It’s the breeze of a small wind. It’s a butterfly in the air. Sometimes it’s the pictures I take and the orb I see in the finished image.
At home it’s the lights flickering. And in this old house it happens often. It makes me never want to move away from here. I know deep down she will be with me wherever I go, but I really like how often the lights flicker here.
What qualities would your Mom love about your guy?
My mom would love that Mike makes me smile, constantly. She loved to make all of her children happy and wanted all of us to find a mate who could do the same. She would adore his sense of humor and his infectious laugh. I think she would have fallen in love with him immediately and taken him in as one of her own right from the start.
I think she would also love how much he is like my father. He likes to fix things like my dad. He doesn’t argue or get loud if he’s upset. He generally just walks away to calm down, much like I do. That works out well for the both of us. When we are ready to talk things out, we do. My dad was never very confrontational….at least from what I can remember in my childhood. I admire that. I think it takes a real man (and woman) to know when something is worth fighting about and to just know when to walk away. It doesn’t mean we don’t communicate…I think we just know that it’s best to wait until we have cooled off.
My mom would love how romantic and sentimental he can be. She would love that he leaves me random loves notes in my desk drawer at work or the coffee cup cabinet so I’m reminded of his love at the strangest of times. She would love that he does those little things to, again, see me smile. She would also love that he values marriage and family just as she taught us to do. I think it’s very important to find your soul mate and that it be one who values the same things in life. Divorce has never been an option for me. Divorce is the reason I didn’t stay in the last relationship I was in. I knew it would lead to that and there was no point in wasting either of ours time. I’m not giving up on my guy now because I know we are in it for life. We will grow old and rock in our chairs together on the porch. We will take an RV trip across the country and hopefully not kill one another. We will do all the things my mom and dad never got a chance to do in old age. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy my dad can do that now with someone new….but for myself I envision it being with M and no one else. Hopefully God has the same plans for me.
My mom would love that my guy treats me like an absolute princess….or queen. He spoils me in so many ways. He caters to my every need. He wants the best for me. He wants me to be happy, always. He just loves me the right way.
I will never get over the fact that the most wonderful woman I ever knew will never get to meet the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. It haunts me daily. There’s so much I wish the two of them could talk about. I think M would “get me” even more if he had met her.
But for now I hope to share more stories about my mom with my guy. I hope to share more of her recipes to fill his belly. I hope to share her laughter in smile in all that I do. I hope that even though he will never meet the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known that he actually will in some way…..through me.
|Our last family photo together|