The past two days have been emotionally exhausting, much like the weekend.  I have found myself gritting my teeth, clenching my jaw, and fearing the worst.  I walked my students to their art class on Monday and constantly thought about what we would do if some psycho came barreling through the building.  I hate that it has weighed so heavily on my mind, but I also know I am preparing myself mentally and physically for possibilities which, sadly, could take place. 

I re-read my “I will” statements several times to myself throughout the day Monday and today just to remind myself what I said I would do.

So I have.

I have turned the channel or turned my head when his face appears.  I don’t care why he did it.  I don’t care about his name.  I won’t even speak it.  He does not deserve my attention for any reason what so ever.  That’s my choice.

I have talked to my “little soul” which I mentioned at the end of the day both days, smiled at him often, and asked him how he was doing.  He has had two great days and both ended with a smile and a, “See you tomorrow.”  He’s not the only one I’m concerned for, but just one of the cherubs I’ve taken time to hug and smile at. 

I have talked to those that needed to talk.  I fought back the tears.  There were a few who did not know of the events and out of respect for their parents I chose not to have a class discussion.  Instead I talked with several of them one on one.  It was interesting to hear their viewpoints as to why or what happened.  So many have still not lost their innocence.  Thank the Lord. 

I left this quote on our board yesterday and today.  Many asked me why.  I told them it was something that made me feel better after being so sad from the weekend.  I hoped that it would help them as well.  I saw many writing it down in their assignment notebooks.  It was worth it.  Thanks to my sister for sharing it. 

I have delivered my thoughts to those above regarding my concern for our policies.  I plan to continue to speak and do what I can to keep my students as safe as possible.

I have a pile of cards and letters to send.  A coworker also received the idea to send snowflakes to help make their new school a “Winter Wonderland” when they return back to a new building.  I plan on spending time tomorrow making all kinds of colorful snowflakes with words of encouragement to send to Newtown.  I also saw an idea on Facebook of 26 random acts of kindness in memory of the 26 lives lost.  I’m going to spread this message to students as well and I’m going to document my 26 random acts of kindness on the board so they can see my ideas, and hopefully share the love as well. 

I have stayed out of the gun control debate.  I have my thoughts, my opinions.  They are my own.  I was hoping the media would also stay away from the autism accusation of violence.  They haven’t.  So I promise to fill any clueless person in on the real deal of autism.  What I know from who I have worked with.  I will be sure to let them know it is not a “disease” that results in a “killer” which are terrible words straight from the media. 

I have prayed.  I squeezed my beautiful niece so tight when I saw her Sunday.  I squeezed my precious little nephew for as long as he would let me before he wanted “Down!” I squeezed and kissed the face of my oldest nephew who has the best smile when he sees me.  Some day very soon I know he probably won’t allow me to do that.  I’m going to for as long as he will let me. 

I have made it through the first two days of a week.  I have battled nothing compared to those families who lay precious children to rest.  I have battled nothing compared to those families who lay their precious moms, daughters, and sisters to rest.  I have battled nothing compared to the rescue workers who had to see the tragedy first hand.  I have thought of them often.  I have prayed for them constantly.

Truly a Fortunate Teacher,

In light of recent events that have close to home due to my job I have decided to think of things that I will/can do. This was actually the only way I found peace of mind Friday evening and got any amount of sleep.

Friday’s events in Connecticut have literally shook me to the core. It has me questioning a million things. Do we even want to bring children into this world someday? Would I have had the courage to hide my fifth graders and save their lives or would I have screamed and freaked with a psycho in the building? Would I have remained calm and read them stories reminding them how much I love them so that gunshots are not the last thing they hear? What will happen to those hundreds of surviving children as they try and live a normal life now scarred by the events of that morning. Will there be more mental illness issues trickling down throughout Newtown all because of one disturbing individual? How can any town or community ever recover from that day? What kinds of questions will I have to answer on Monday? Why didn’t I hug every one of my fifth graders as they left the building Friday? Why don’t I hug them every day? Why don’t I advocate more for that one little soul who screams out for help everyday in my class? Why haven’t I tried harder to encourage his mother to seek help? What am I going to do first thing Monday to make sure he knows he is loved?

Millions of questions.

Very few of them have answers yet……or do they?

This is the list of “I Will” statements that I have came up with over the past two days.

I will ignore the medias attention on the shooter and not mention the individuals name who took the lives of so many because he doesn’t deserve any of my attention.

I will make sure that when I have a little soul screaming for help (like he must have been for years) I will advocate for them. I will make it be known to their parents and our social worker that I am concerned. If nothing is done there then I will go further if I must.

I will answer their questions Monday to the best of my ability and if it means that I shed a few tears, so be it. My students need to know that I am heartbroken that such a thing could ever occur in a safe place like a school.

I will go to my administration and discuss our lock down plan and procedures because I believe they need updated. Quick.

I will see if my students want to make cards or send kind messages to those of Sandy Hook community. Sharing their thoughts and condolences may be just what they need to get their worries out on the table. I will have to walk a fine line because I realize I’m not their parents. I would never try and fill that role. What I do want them to know (as well as their parents) is that I love them and care about them very much. I would like to think had we been in the same situation I would have absolutely risked my life for theirs. I would like to think that it is in my nature and in my blood to protect children. I would never consider that being a hero, just part of the job.

I will continue to stay out of gun control debates via social media because I don’t believe this tragedy should turn immediately to a political debate. For goodness sake can we let these people grieve?

I will pray and I will hold my niece and nephews a little tighter now each and every time I see them.

Truly Fortunate for Another Day,

Ashley

Years ago my mom use to take the time to make and roll the homemade sugar cookie dough. Then we would all stand around the kitchen bar and help cut out cookies. We would decorate and cover them with little cinnamon candies and sugar crystals. I remember it being so much fun.

Today I realized how much work all of that really was for her. Wow, I completely underestimated the time she devoted to making the dough, the patience it took to roll out the dough and work with each of us. She made us feel special and gave us each our own cookie sheet to fill up with our special ones.

Today we did that with the littles after a chili lunch with the family. We didn’t have their patience and devotion for the full time, but for the time we did have it….it was well worth it. Thank goodness my sister was here to give the patience for rolling out dough. I just didn’t have it. Thank goodness for Holly and her icing skills.

Little B enjoyed just pouring on the sugar and eating bits of chocolate while he did.

Miss Princess was the most devoted taking her time to help us ladies in the kitchen with rolling and cutting our each cookie.

Little C just came in when his cookie sheet was ready for him. Still, he was creative in his endeavor and tried his hardest at this “girly” stuff.

We even used the same type of cookie cutters that we use to do.

I believe this will be a new Sunday afternoon tradition before Christmas. I’m looking forward to it.

I always look forward to family time.

And I felt her with us all throughout the day….love that feeling.

Have a wonderful week,

Ashley

11 years ago…..
I said goodbye to my best friend, my mom.

11 years ago I cried and held her hand as I watched the machines lines go straight. A couple weeks before that I told her I loved her and she said, “Don’t cry.  I’ll see you later.  I love you more.”  Those were our last words.
11 years ago I watched my family sit around a table and make the hardest decision of our lives.  One that I question almost daily, for many reasons.
11 years ago I was amazed by the amount of people in the hallways and waiting rooms of that hospital.  All people who loved her.  Who loved us.  Who couldn’t believe she was gone.
11 years ago I stood accepting hugs and “I’m Sorry’s” by some of the most amazing friends, family, neighbors, and community members.  To this day I’m not a fan of hugs.  They remind me of her funeral.  I’m trying to overcome that.

17 years…..

17 years of the absolute most amazing mom there ever was, without a doubt.

17 years of her packing my lunch for school.
17 years of her making me try new things at dinner.

17 years of the best birthdays and holidays any kid could ever imagine.
17 years of Saturday shopping trips to the mall and Kohl’s.
17 years of room mom and soccer mom and PTO mom and everything mom.
17 years of piano lessons and playing to watch her smile.
17 years of Sunday morning organ playing and cinnamon rolls.
17 years of Friday night basketball and football games and slumber parties afterwards.
17 years of “I love you more’s” at bedtime.
17 years of 4-H fun.
17 years of hugs that were warm and will never be replaced.

17 years.

Today and every December 1st for the rest of my life I will do my very best to remember the 17 over the 11, or the 12, or the 13, or whatever that number may be.

Someone once sent me this in an email, “You can’t measure life in quantity but look at life as a quality thing.  There are lots of people who have their family with them for a very long time, but don’t have much in the way of a quality relationship nor are they fortunate enough to have what you and your mom had.  I’m sure you would agree that you and your mom had lots and lots of quality time.”

I certainly agree now.  In the beginning I might not have.  But I certainly agree now.

Another quote I was sent, “Mothers, since time began, have been the ones who give us our base, our sense of who we are….our shared identities….our strengths.”

Missing my angel mother,

CAUTION: Not for the weak at heart or those who rodent feared.

Sitting on the couch.  Home alone.  I spot a furry ball walking leisurely across my kitchen floor.

I already knew the little turds were back.  I’ve seen their droppings.  I’ve cleaned up after them.  I’ve moved kitchen supplies around.  I’ve seen dead ones in sticky traps.  I’ve spotted them running across the mud room floor.

This one had it coming.

He took his own sweet damn time.  And I’ve had enough.  Shaking I screamed at Shiloh and asked her to get it.

She walked over.  Sniffed him.  Then walked away.

She’s worthless.

So I decided I was going to save his life and sweep him out the back door on the porch.  He was slow enough and I had time to grab the broom.

I grabbed the broom and he took off so I did the only thing I could do.  I screamed as loud as my mom would have if she had been here.  She HATED mice.

He froze.

And I smashed the crap out of him.  His little legs started to move again.  So I smashed at least a dozen more times until blood splattered.

And then I puked.

Sorry for neglecting you lately.  I’ve been overwhelmed with life and let my blog go.  I promise to be better.  Promise.

Anyways…..

I love Christmas.

Who doesn’t?

I love creating new traditions, making old traditions new with the love of my life, and being with family during the holidays.

My mom loved Christmas.  I see her in everything that is Christmas.  I decorate with some of the very things she use to place around the house.  There are angels everywhere, literally everywhere during Christmas.  I can always find her with me, but even more so during Christmas.

Christmas 2 years ago!

Here are 25 things I would like to do this year for Christmas:

(List adapted from Defrump Me)

1. Create a Pandora station or iPhone playlist with our favorite Christmas songs.

2. On Thanksgiving afternoon, start a new tradition with the littles of making Christmas ornaments.  We can use them to decorate my dad’s tree or just something to take home for their own trees! Okay, so we didn’t do it this year.  But…we could do it any afternoon….right?  

3. Participate in a local charity drive where we get a chance to give to others.  We use to do this every year when I was a kid and it was one of my fondest memories.

4. Movie night with favorite Christmas treats.

5. Have a cookie decorating party with the littles.  Mom use to always do this with us when we were kids!

6. On December 1st travel with my love to pick out our Christmas tree and then drive through Reynold’s to look at the Christmas lights.  (This will be our 3rd year to do this and it’s one of my favorites!) I think this year we’ll be bumping it up to the night before due to some other festivities and the 1st falling on a Saturday.  Still….a tradition just the day before.  

7. Visit a living nativity scene.

8. Go on a train ride, particularly Polar Express.  (Thanks to Michelle for already setting this up!)

9. Decorate a gingerbread house.  (I’ve never done this!)

10. Visit the circle downtown to see the tree and take pictures with the toy soldiers.

11. Make a Christmas card for a soldier.

12. Decorate our Christmas tree while sipping hot beverages and listening, or even dancing, to Christmas music.

13.  Bake a Christmas treat and visit an older loved one who needs encouragement or cheer.

14.  Plan out my special New Year’s resolution and get everything ready.  (I already have it figured out and so excited to put it in action!)

15.  Write our New Year’s resolutions on a slip of paper and put them in our stockings.  Next year we can see how well we did with them!

16.  Go shopping for Christmas ornaments and buy a special one just for Mike.  We do this every year and although our tree may be filled to the max it’s something I absolutely love.

17.  Attend a Christmas play or musical production put on by a church.

18.  Make Christmas cards for friends and families.

19. Open a present on Christmas Eve with my guy.  Some day this will be new pajamas for the little ones.  I have some friends and family that do this and I just love having new pajamas for Christmas morning!

20.  Have a simple potluck Christmas party (maybe ugly sweaters?) with some of our best friends.

21.  Attend a candlelight service with Mike at a local church.

22.  Have a “favorite things” party with girlfriends or at one of our Girls Night Out events!

23.  Spend Christmas day with everyone we love.

24. Try out Christmas at the Zoo with just the two of us or all the family.

25. Avoid using gift tags but instead label presents with a picture of that person.

What are you going to do to make Christmas special this year?

Feeling merry and bright,

There are a ton of things I’m going to miss about living where we live.  We don’t have to move until after the first of the year, but I’m already getting pretty anxious about this big change.

There’s one friend, in particular, that I am going to miss like crazy when we move.  I know we’ll only be about 15 minutes away from one another….but I like being around the corner from her now!

The gal who led me to blogging.
The chic who has opened my eyes to all the highlights and fun that motherhood can hold.
The friend who encourages me through scripture and her wise advice.
The girl who runs her heart out and inspires me with nasty healthy smoothies.
The pal who can read a book in 24 hours, blog about it, then force me to download it and do the same without even knowing it.  (You owe me $13.90 for that immediate download!)
The pretty piece to our “double date” nights with our men.

Her laugh is contagious and her writing is extraordinary.

If you haven’t checked her out…you must do so now.  You won’t regret it.

Heidi @ Ramblings of a Farmer’s Wife and a Mommy’s Life

Read her story.  Follow her blog.  I promise you will giggle, maybe cry, but certainly feel encouraged to stay positive and take charge of each day like you own it.

Truly a Fortunate Gal,