This is what perfection on a summer day looks like. 

Last weekend my love finally got the piano moved from my dad’s house.  It was one of the happiest/saddest moments I’ve had in a while.  Seeing it in our home.

This piano was a part of my every day as a child for as a long as I can remember.  Before I learned to play I watched my mom give piano lessons to many friends and family.  Then she tried to teach me.  It didn’t take us long to realize it was probably a better idea for me to receive lessons from someone else to avoid tears and possible arguments.

Then we had an organ and the piano.  Mom practiced every Sunday morning on the organ, sometimes with her headphones, while the cinnamon rolls baked.  It was that sight and smell I can still remember. Walking out from the hallway to the kitchen and seeing her practicing for Sunday church service.  Smelling the cinnamon rolls in the oven.  Those are just moments I will never forget.

I spent many hours on this piano practicing for weekly lessons with Mrs. M or the annual recital that always brought my nerves to a full tail spin.  Many times my mom would sit and listen to me play.  She always told me it sounded wonderful and that she was proud of me.

Even on the days I was extremely frustrated with the piano and harder pieces I was trying to learn I kept trying for one reason…..to make my mom proud.

So back to my point.  The piano was finally delivered to the house two weekends ago and this week and last I’ve had a few chances to sit down and play and become familiar with it again.  First song I chose….”How Great Thou Art.”  My favorite hymn ever.  As I played I didn’t make it through the first page before tears fell.  They were both tears of sadness and tears of joy.  Joyful that I had this piece (rather large piece) of my life back in my life.  Sadness that I will never hear her say those words again, or hear her play the organ, or smell her cinnamon rolls on Sunday morning.

I’ve been playing all week.  Just like writing in this blog…it is very therapeutic.  I’m looking forward to mastering some of the old pieces I use to play with ease.

A couple of times in the last few days the littlest nephew has said, “I see your mom.”

The first time occurred late at night after our fireworks and 4th of July party.  We were in my living room getting the kids pajamas on before they left so they would be ready for bed.  He point to the mantle and says, “I see your mom.”  At first we just assumed there was a picture of mom on the mantle somewhere.  However….there isn’t.  Not anywhere near where he pointed is there a picture of her.  We refer to mom as “Mamaw Debbie” to the littles even though they never met her.  They still need to know who she is.

It was so random.  So wonderful.  So much needed.

A day spent with family and friends celebrating the holiday weekend.  A time where she loved to gather with loved ones.  Sit around, laugh, eat, be merry.  Years and years ago everyone gathered at her house for 4th of July.

If she were going to take a break from Heaven and join us I suppose it is only fitting she would be watching down on all of us when we were together having a great time.

The other time he said this was just one of those moments where it needed to be heard. A time where calm and reassurance was perfection in its timing.

We all know she’s here with us.  Some days and moments more than others.

We all just wish we could see her.

I believe that the littles have the capability to see her.  I just wish I could stop and see things through his eyes.  So I could see her one more time.  Maybe even talk to her.  Or give her a hug.  Just one last time.

What I would give to look through his eyes.

Missing her,

Cake, cookies, and old photos

Doesn’t my guy look good with a baby??

Cutting the cake.  Aren’t they adorable?

Photos with all the family!

They haven’t changed one bit….!

Look at my guy (blonde baby)!  We are going to make some blonde babies for sure some day!

40 years ago!

Fortunate and Blessed with “in laws” who rock,

Relay for Life is an important part of my life.  It feels like it is part of who I am.

Our Relay for Life was back in May and was a huge success.  We hit our goals on multiple levels….teams, fundraising, participation.  It was overall a huge SUCCESS and as I paused to take it all in an appreciate it on Saturday morning I was in awe.

We were all there at the middle school track for one purpose….to celebrate, remember, and fight back.

We celebrated the survivors in our lives who are still with us.  Some still fighting.  My uncle, my great aunt, my friend, a former student, a family friend, a little boy I’ve heard so much about.  All these people surviving this battle we call cancer and doing their best to kick butt.  They took a lap with their caregivers behind them.  How meaningful is that?  Those who have cared and supported them throughout this awful journey continued to “have their back” as they journeyed around the track for Relay.

We remember.  The luminaria ceremony gets me everytime.  I listened to two young ladies in our community.  Two different perspectives on cancer.  One young lady who has watched her grandfather battle and how it has slowly made their family something different.  Something we all know they will conquer and take on head strong….but something different.  A grandpa who use to mow the yard but currently struggles daily to get those things done due to pain.  A grandpa who use to be at every track meet and baseball and softball games but just can’t do it anymore.  I cried with those children as she spoke.  The pain in their eyes and their words was certainly difficult to bear.  But their story needed to be heard.  The other young lady who is a survivor herself.  Losing her hair and worrying about being made fun of at school.  Feeling sick and missing school.  Longing to just be a normal kid but worrying about doing her best to battle cancer.  Two very different stories both ones we need to remember in our battle to fight back.

We fight back.  I watched many make commitments to better themselves or help others in the fight against cancer.  Some vowed to wear sunscreen.  Others vowed to quit smoking.  Some vowed to help their dad quit smoking.  All of us thinking ahead of what we could do to prevent the words “you have cancer” being spoken again.

I believe our Relay was amazing this year because of our teams.  Our teams who built themselves up to be more than amazing.  We had teams who were first timers but appeared as if they had been doing it for years!  Team building is important to a successful Relay because the teams and their members make up WHO the Relay actually is.  We want our Relay to continue to grow….but more importantly we want those teams to come back and be a part of our Relay again.  Each and every individual and participant was important to our success of meeting so many goals.  We could not have done it without each and every one of them.

Our amazing team captains!

One of my favorite teams would have to be my own.  Duh!  Shut it Down… My family team.  Sure, there are some team members who aren’t blood related.  However, I treat them all as family and would think of them as nothing less.  We seem to kick ass together.  We’ve been Relaying for many years so I am sure that our experience helps a bit.  We came together this year and dominated as Top Fundraising Team again gaining over $9.000 for Relay.  Our team took the Duck Dynasty approach and role as Cancer Commanders.  I loved the camo and duck blind and ducks we used to decorate our campsite.  Every year my family continues to amaze me with their ideas to raise money and their ideas for decorations and themes.  We have some pretty creative people and I’m certainly proud to be related to them!

My amazing family and team

Cousins…and Cancer Commander!

Willie and Jase (Ryan and Zac)

All of this is important to me for many reasons.  For years I’ve Relayed because I lost a wonderful uncle to cancer and I want to remember him.  I want to remember him for my cousins and my aunt who I know miss him daily.  Since we lost Uncle Wayne I’ve been forced to think of others during Relay time…unfortunately.  Most recently I’ve added to my list my guy’s sister-in-law and a student at school.  The list of names continue to get longer on our shirts.  Those who we Relay for.  It’s very sad really.  I wish that list would just stop.  I wish there were no one for me to Relay for but just to do it just because.  Almost on a daily basis there are things that remind me of Uncle Wayne.  Those reminders keep me going on my fight to end cancer.

Have you joined the fight to end cancer?  Don’t you want to live in a world where no one else has to hear “you have cancer” EVER AGAIN?!?!

If you haven’t then I have a wonderful opportunity for you…..you or someone you know should come out to Greenfield Central High School this Friday, June 14th from 5:30-9:30 p.m. and participate in the CPS-3 Study….Cancer Prevention Study.  Go here to find out more about enrollment and eligibility…  http://www.cancer.org/research/researchtopreventcancer/participate-cancer-prevention-3

See you Friday…

Last Saturday morning around 3:30 a.m. Shiloh began panting and pacing the bedroom.  All I could do was roll over and hope like hell she would go back to bed and this was all a dream.  Around 4 a.m. I could hear dog farts and the room smelled.  Really bad. Enough to make you gag.

Round 2 complete of the Indy Mini Marathon!

A recap of the mini…

Start – Took us 26 minutes to get from corral Y to the start line.  Slow and crowded.

Waiting to start!

Almost to the finish line….about 26 minutes after it started!

A great group of ladies to do 13.1 miles with.

Mile 1 – Momma and baby elephant at the zoo were so cute.  A few humans dressed as zoo animals to greet us.  Runners yelling at us walkers to move over.  People sprinting and me laughing at them when later they were passed.

America!

Miles 2 through 4 – Passed some interesting people.  There were some amazing kid bands and music.  Lots of people cheering us on. A few places that creeped me out.  Security like crazy that made me feel bertter.  Even got passed by the guy in the lead….that makes you feel PRETTY slow!

In the lead

An awesome kid band

Mile 5 – Heading into Speedway and Allison Transmissions reminds me that we’ve got 8.5 miles to go.  Thanks a lot!  Starting to get the groove and feeling good.

What a cool little town.  So much has changed.  It’s a beautiful place.

This is basically a fake smile.

Miles 6 through 9 – What I thought was going to be the worst part.  Amanda danced with the Chik-fil-a cows which was hilarious.  The track is dreadful (as I said before) and awful and terribly boring.  My feet hurt.  My hips really hurt.  I wanted to take my shoes off and lie down.  Not an option.

Going under this tunnel is a pretty cool feeling.

Kissing the bricks.  First time ever!

Miles 10-12 – Looking forward to the Cliff Energy shots we knew were coming.  Then realizing they were out except for one flavor, Mocha.  Yuck.  Apparently you have to be a runner to get the good stuff.

Miles 12-13.1 – Smiles are back on our faces because we are about to the bridge which means we are truly almost there.  I’ve decided at this point that I hurt so bad there is no way I’m ever doing this again.  Amanda tells me I am.

Finish Line – Get the medal.  Get a slim pickins on snacks because (again) we are walkers and I guess if we wanted the good stuff we should have walked quicker or ran a bit.  Our time was 3:34.  I only added 12 minutes from last year when I wogged it.  Half walked half jogged.  Guess I must have been jogging pretty damn slow last year.

My trainer and one of my other best friends.  She finished quite a few minutes before me.  I am so proud of her.  Her first mini in the books!

Blue Seas gym babes

Overall the weather was perfection for a little Saturday morning walk.  Slight breeze, nice and cool…just plain perfection.  MUCH better than last year.  I’m telling myself that if I had yesterday’s weather the year before that it would been a totally different story last year.  I would have been under 3 hours like I really wanted.

I will always remind myself of this.  Only 3% of Americans have done a half marathon.  I’m a part of a pretty small group of Americans that can mark that off their bucket list.  That can say “I did it.”  I did it slow.  I did it at my pace.  But guess what?  I did it when 97% of the rest of America was sitting at home or cheering me on the sidelines.

I DID IT!

  Extremely sore today,

It’s been way too long since I’ve written to you.  As usual spring is here and life is busy.  The boy is busy with work again.  I am just busy with life….and a little stressed out at work.

Since the last time I’ve written you…

1. A dear friend got married.  Her wedding was gorgeous and I’m so happy she’s in love.

2. I’ve spent every ounce I can outside when the weather permits.  We’ve played at the park.  I’ve taken some long walks to try and prep myself for Saturday’s 13.1.  We’ve been eating dinner occasionally on the back deck…gazing longingly at the pool in hopes we can open it sometime soon.

3. We celebrated the oldest little’s 9th birthday.  He got a haircut…on accident.  He’s getting tall, smart, and handsome.  He gets all of that honestly I suppose.

4.  I’ve been working with some pretty amazing people getting prepped for this years Relay for Life…only 17 days away!  Currently I’m working on my own personal fundraiser by making little key fob wristlets that I can sell at the event where the proceeds will benefit the American Cancer Society.

5. The downstairs remodeling is FINISHED…besides a few little touches like caulking, molding, etc.  I’ll do a post another day about the remodeling process and what I would and would not do if I could do it all over again.

It is getting to be that time of year where every weekend is packed full of events.  I am counting down the days until school is out.  It isn’t because I don’t love my kids this year.  I am counting down the days because I’m looking forward to life slowing down a bit.  Or maybe just having 7-3 to enjoy the outside even more.  It seems like the time after work just isn’t enough time to really enjoy life.

Maybe life will slow down in June?

Then again, maybe not.

Stressed, Busy, and Blessed…

There have been sign all around me this week that my mom is right here with me.  Signs everywhere.

The past three days that I’ve come home there has been a beautiful cardinal on Michael’s truck when I pull in the drive.

It’s her.

I was completely full of worry and doubt this evening when something unexpected took the weight off my shoulders.  It made me sad.  It made me wonder if I should ever be happy about it.  In the end it is completely her way of being here with me and helping me rid the worry.

It’s her.

Then my sister sends me a text telling me I need to download a new song….by Pink called “Beam Me Up” and it speaks every feeling I have about missing her.

It’s her.  Even if it’s through my sister.  It’s her.

Can I just be beamed up to see her again?  A place where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.  I just need a minute.  Not sure what I’d say to her at all.  No idea.  Just beam me up.

 “Let me lighter I’m tired of being a fighter”

“There are times I feel a shiver and cold.  It only happens when I’m on my own.  That’s how you tell me I’m not alone.”

“Happy just to be there holding your face.”

“So when I need you can I send you a sign?  I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights.  I’ll pick a star and watch you shine.”

What I wouldn’t give to just beam me up….

Thankful for signs all around,

If you’ve ever lost someone you love….I highly recommend downloading the song.  Give yourself a box of Kleenex and some time alone and just have a good cry.