11 years ago…..
I said goodbye to my best friend, my mom.

11 years ago I cried and held her hand as I watched the machines lines go straight. A couple weeks before that I told her I loved her and she said, “Don’t cry.  I’ll see you later.  I love you more.”  Those were our last words.
11 years ago I watched my family sit around a table and make the hardest decision of our lives.  One that I question almost daily, for many reasons.
11 years ago I was amazed by the amount of people in the hallways and waiting rooms of that hospital.  All people who loved her.  Who loved us.  Who couldn’t believe she was gone.
11 years ago I stood accepting hugs and “I’m Sorry’s” by some of the most amazing friends, family, neighbors, and community members.  To this day I’m not a fan of hugs.  They remind me of her funeral.  I’m trying to overcome that.

17 years…..

17 years of the absolute most amazing mom there ever was, without a doubt.

17 years of her packing my lunch for school.
17 years of her making me try new things at dinner.

17 years of the best birthdays and holidays any kid could ever imagine.
17 years of Saturday shopping trips to the mall and Kohl’s.
17 years of room mom and soccer mom and PTO mom and everything mom.
17 years of piano lessons and playing to watch her smile.
17 years of Sunday morning organ playing and cinnamon rolls.
17 years of Friday night basketball and football games and slumber parties afterwards.
17 years of “I love you more’s” at bedtime.
17 years of 4-H fun.
17 years of hugs that were warm and will never be replaced.

17 years.

Today and every December 1st for the rest of my life I will do my very best to remember the 17 over the 11, or the 12, or the 13, or whatever that number may be.

Someone once sent me this in an email, “You can’t measure life in quantity but look at life as a quality thing.  There are lots of people who have their family with them for a very long time, but don’t have much in the way of a quality relationship nor are they fortunate enough to have what you and your mom had.  I’m sure you would agree that you and your mom had lots and lots of quality time.”

I certainly agree now.  In the beginning I might not have.  But I certainly agree now.

Another quote I was sent, “Mothers, since time began, have been the ones who give us our base, our sense of who we are….our shared identities….our strengths.”

Missing my angel mother,

CAUTION: Not for the weak at heart or those who rodent feared.

Sitting on the couch.  Home alone.  I spot a furry ball walking leisurely across my kitchen floor.

I already knew the little turds were back.  I’ve seen their droppings.  I’ve cleaned up after them.  I’ve moved kitchen supplies around.  I’ve seen dead ones in sticky traps.  I’ve spotted them running across the mud room floor.

This one had it coming.

He took his own sweet damn time.  And I’ve had enough.  Shaking I screamed at Shiloh and asked her to get it.

She walked over.  Sniffed him.  Then walked away.

She’s worthless.

So I decided I was going to save his life and sweep him out the back door on the porch.  He was slow enough and I had time to grab the broom.

I grabbed the broom and he took off so I did the only thing I could do.  I screamed as loud as my mom would have if she had been here.  She HATED mice.

He froze.

And I smashed the crap out of him.  His little legs started to move again.  So I smashed at least a dozen more times until blood splattered.

And then I puked.

Sorry for neglecting you lately.  I’ve been overwhelmed with life and let my blog go.  I promise to be better.  Promise.

Anyways…..

I love Christmas.

Who doesn’t?

I love creating new traditions, making old traditions new with the love of my life, and being with family during the holidays.

My mom loved Christmas.  I see her in everything that is Christmas.  I decorate with some of the very things she use to place around the house.  There are angels everywhere, literally everywhere during Christmas.  I can always find her with me, but even more so during Christmas.

Christmas 2 years ago!

Here are 25 things I would like to do this year for Christmas:

(List adapted from Defrump Me)

1. Create a Pandora station or iPhone playlist with our favorite Christmas songs.

2. On Thanksgiving afternoon, start a new tradition with the littles of making Christmas ornaments.  We can use them to decorate my dad’s tree or just something to take home for their own trees! Okay, so we didn’t do it this year.  But…we could do it any afternoon….right?  

3. Participate in a local charity drive where we get a chance to give to others.  We use to do this every year when I was a kid and it was one of my fondest memories.

4. Movie night with favorite Christmas treats.

5. Have a cookie decorating party with the littles.  Mom use to always do this with us when we were kids!

6. On December 1st travel with my love to pick out our Christmas tree and then drive through Reynold’s to look at the Christmas lights.  (This will be our 3rd year to do this and it’s one of my favorites!) I think this year we’ll be bumping it up to the night before due to some other festivities and the 1st falling on a Saturday.  Still….a tradition just the day before.  

7. Visit a living nativity scene.

8. Go on a train ride, particularly Polar Express.  (Thanks to Michelle for already setting this up!)

9. Decorate a gingerbread house.  (I’ve never done this!)

10. Visit the circle downtown to see the tree and take pictures with the toy soldiers.

11. Make a Christmas card for a soldier.

12. Decorate our Christmas tree while sipping hot beverages and listening, or even dancing, to Christmas music.

13.  Bake a Christmas treat and visit an older loved one who needs encouragement or cheer.

14.  Plan out my special New Year’s resolution and get everything ready.  (I already have it figured out and so excited to put it in action!)

15.  Write our New Year’s resolutions on a slip of paper and put them in our stockings.  Next year we can see how well we did with them!

16.  Go shopping for Christmas ornaments and buy a special one just for Mike.  We do this every year and although our tree may be filled to the max it’s something I absolutely love.

17.  Attend a Christmas play or musical production put on by a church.

18.  Make Christmas cards for friends and families.

19. Open a present on Christmas Eve with my guy.  Some day this will be new pajamas for the little ones.  I have some friends and family that do this and I just love having new pajamas for Christmas morning!

20.  Have a simple potluck Christmas party (maybe ugly sweaters?) with some of our best friends.

21.  Attend a candlelight service with Mike at a local church.

22.  Have a “favorite things” party with girlfriends or at one of our Girls Night Out events!

23.  Spend Christmas day with everyone we love.

24. Try out Christmas at the Zoo with just the two of us or all the family.

25. Avoid using gift tags but instead label presents with a picture of that person.

What are you going to do to make Christmas special this year?

Feeling merry and bright,

There are a ton of things I’m going to miss about living where we live.  We don’t have to move until after the first of the year, but I’m already getting pretty anxious about this big change.

There’s one friend, in particular, that I am going to miss like crazy when we move.  I know we’ll only be about 15 minutes away from one another….but I like being around the corner from her now!

The gal who led me to blogging.
The chic who has opened my eyes to all the highlights and fun that motherhood can hold.
The friend who encourages me through scripture and her wise advice.
The girl who runs her heart out and inspires me with nasty healthy smoothies.
The pal who can read a book in 24 hours, blog about it, then force me to download it and do the same without even knowing it.  (You owe me $13.90 for that immediate download!)
The pretty piece to our “double date” nights with our men.

Her laugh is contagious and her writing is extraordinary.

If you haven’t checked her out…you must do so now.  You won’t regret it.

Heidi @ Ramblings of a Farmer’s Wife and a Mommy’s Life

Read her story.  Follow her blog.  I promise you will giggle, maybe cry, but certainly feel encouraged to stay positive and take charge of each day like you own it.

Truly a Fortunate Gal,

I’ve had an amazing two weeks away from work.  When we started school August 1st I never imagined it would be so wonderful to have these two weeksoff  but now I don’t know what I would do without them.  They came just in time and I’m refreshed and ready to go for tomorrow.  Plus, this round we have a day or two off for Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here before we know it! Ahhh!  Sorry, I had to bring it up.

I didn’t travel out of the state, but I sure made the best of the two weeks we had with family and friends close to home.  I relaxed a little, played with the littles, and spent quite a bit of time in the doctor’s office but now I know what’s causing the pain and can take the next step in the healing process.

So, here’s a look back at some of my fall break through photos…

Started the break off with a little home town parade. These two cuties enjoyed watching all the trucks and cars.

Of course we had to watch the hometown parade because this sweet girl was in it! She rocked the pom pom’s and loved hearing her name yelled from the crowd.

Got my new ink. Still loving it.

Watching corn being shelled around my pop’s place and practically everywhere over the last two weeks. Sad to have our personal privacy fences removed but love the sounds and smells of harvest.

Went shopping with this wild child.  She knows how to have a good time with us girls!

Me and her beautiful momma (and my best friend) toasting to a wonderful couple of days in a beautiful town. Don’t worry, we had a designated driver and it wasn’t the baby.

Love their beauty.  Love their smiles.

Our shopping wore poor little thing out. She was such a good shopper though!

I got lots of texts from my pops as he enjoyed some time with my sister and b-in-law down in Mickey’s Land. It was cute to see them having such a good time and I know my dad was loving every minute.

Got to watch this little get wild and muddy with his 4 wheel toys. He is all his dad. The boys like their toys and they love to get dirty. Still a cutie.

Shopping for home goods. Over it, but can’t be over it.  Still have lots of decisions to be made. I have tons of pictures such as the one above on my phone to compare prices and looks. Again, did I tell you I was over it?  Cuz I am.

Loved when these littles came home from their vacation. Missed them. They give the best hugs and kisses.

Then it was back to shopping for the house. Still can’t find the comforter I want. I’ve been trying to find the materials I want to use (curtains, towels, bedding, etc.) and then the paint to match them. No luck so far with the bedroom. Everything else (besides one bathroom) is determined.

Went apple picking with this cutie. Fun to watch her enjoy these kinds of activities.

She said, “this is a weird looking pumpkin!” So cute.

Love them all.  Fun to see them make memories. Always glad they let me be a part of it.

The girl cracks me up.

Then picking pumpkins.

Gorgeous babies.

So cute.

A day at the Children’s Museum!

And lastly a slumber party with the other little after he returned from his vacation. Shiloh anxiously awaited him waking up. Problem is I caught him at 4 am still watching Netflix. Oh well, it’s vacation for him too….right?

Sad to see these two weeks go.  Part of me is kind of ready to see all my cherubs at school and hopefully they missed me a little too!

Resting until the alarm goes off,

Yesterday I had an MRI.  I’m typically not scared of anything medical.  I can get my blood drawn with the best of them.  I use to give plasma twice a week in college for some spare change.

I started to have a slight panic attack the yesterday morning when I realized that I had never had an MRI, I was going alone, and I had no idea what it entailed.  All I knew was that they kept asking if I had metal in my body and all sorts of other weird questions.  Naturally I freaked myself out even more by researching on the grant ole internet for what an MRI was like.  Bad idea.  Very bad idea.

One site told me it could be up to 2 hours.  Another told me they could inject me with liquid that would cause nausea, diarrhea, and all those other lovely side effects.

So I travel to see my sister and littles (who left me for a week to head to Florida to see the cute mice and princesses) and ask my sister what she knows.  She tells me what she knows.  Calms me a bit.  And a I head out the door to the dreaded office to get this crap over with.

Lucky for me the ladies in the office were super sweet and somewhat soothing.  She offered me a washcloth to cover my eyes.  Asked me if I was claustrophobic.  To which I replied, “No.”  From now on I will change my answer to, “Yes.”  I may not be claustrophobic in an elevator but I most certainly am in that machine.

This is the visual I had below the washcloth….

Seeing palm trees would make most people relax.

I tried.  I really did.

But as soon as those extremely LOUD noises started I was done for.  I felt like there was no air to breath.  Full fledged panic attack, but without the outburst.  I had a 20 minute panic attack in that thing and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  It was a quiet one.  I felt like I handled myself really well.  I found myself gasping for air as best I could without moving.  I knew if I moved I would have to start the whole process over and I just wanted to be done.

So I finished.  They slid me out and I practically jumped off that table to get out.  I think I did a pretty good job of covering up how absolutely freaked out I was.

Hopefully I never have to do that again.

And just so ya know, I’m just trying to figure out why I’m having this awful lower back/hip pain.  It’s been going on for about a month and working out just makes it feel worse.  I was wanting to do two races this fall/winter and actually RUN them but as soon as I started wogging to get training the pain just got increasingly worse.  I think it all stems from an accident many years ago and probably poor use of my back in general.

Hopefully the news will be good and some simple physical therapy will be all I need to get back on the road of becoming a certified professional wogger.

Relieved to be out of that machine,

Today I marked something off my “to do” list that has been there for over a year.

I finally got the tattoo I wanted.

Back when I was a kid we found these “Grandpa’s Memories” and “Grandma’s Memories” books in a little country store up in Michigan.  I bought one for each set of grandparents and asked them to fill them out.  The pages had all kinds of things from explaining their childhood, to when they first met each other, and also advice they wanted to give.

I will forever cherish those books.  They contain some of the best advice from the wisest men and women I know.

One of my favorite pages said this:

His words mean so much to me, especially now that he’s gone.  There will never be a man quite like my grandpa and I’m so glad that I have the memories that I do.

So in his memory I wanted to keep those words forever with me.  Above is his handwriting of my favorite saying he ever said and wrote, “Don’t forget where you came from.”

No matter the challenges or obstacles I face I will not forget where I came from.  Who my ancestors are.  Who my family is.  Who has my back no matter what.  Who loves me for me.  The place that keeps me grounded.  The place I call home.  The people I call home.  Where I came from is always and forever a part of me.

My loved ones who may not be physically here are always a part of me.

 They are part of where I came from.

Missing him every day,

I realize it’s very unhealthy to be angry or keep those feelings bottled up.  These are feelings I’ve had since the middle of November in 2001.  They’ve come and gone. These feelings have surfaced recently ten fold as I dwell with a friend on what’s it like to lose your mother. 

I tend to completely lose it when I see a mother and daughter shopping and the daughter is being a complete brat.  In fact there have been two times (really bad days) that I’ve actually addressed the situation which was none of my business.  The situation was this.  The teen daughter wanted some super expensive jeans.  Her mother said no.  She went on to trash talk to her mother in an attempt to get her way.  I couldn’t help myself.  I told her she should be glad her mother’s still around through teary eyes.  She probably gained nothing from that.  I did.  I’ll be real honest and tell you I didn’t say it that simply, or that nicely.  I’m sure you can imagine exactly how it went down.  That’s the clean version. 

Over time though, I’ve realized one thing through all the anger.  Not all mom’s were as awesome as mine were.  I was a lucky one.  I was fortunate to have someone so amazing and so dedicated to raising three children and loving a husband. 

It angers me to watch a friend go through all the terror of what’s to come in a life without your best friend, your mom.  It angers me to watch her hurt and be a part of this club no one wants to be a part of. 

It angers me so much that I become this hormonal crazy woman.  I try and remain calm but really all I want to do is scream.  And cry.  And then scream and cry some more.

I’m thankful I had the wonderful mother I had for 17 years.  I’m angry that someone I admire and really care about is about to be in the same boat.  Life’s not fair.

Just not fair.

Teary eyed in typing,

I will preface this post by letting you all know that my guy is well aware that I am writing a post about ovaries.  I gave him a full warning.  Fact is…he hears it on a daily basis so he is well aware of what I’m about to share. 

Truth.

My ovaries are molding. 

At least that’s what I believe.

Another truth.

They are aching something fierce lately. 

Reasons below. 

Exhibit A:

meet Miss Mallory

Don’t you love her cute little piggies?



See her little punkin cheeks and precious baby hands? 

 Exhibit B:

meet Miss Vivian (Vivi for short)

She is the tiniest baby I’ve ever held. Don’t let her fool you though she can produce a real big mess, real quick.

Those are the two reasons my ovaries are molding and now even aching.  I know something as sweet as above will come in good time.  And the right time.  But my ovaries just aren’t listening. 

Until then I’m very excited to spend as much time as I can with these two precious angels.  Their mommas are so very lucky to have them. 

Achey and Moldy,

Hugs to y’all,