My 1st Mother’s Day

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Mother’s Day has always been tough but this year it’s bittersweet. 
I long to talk to my sweet mom and just to hear her voice. 
Yet I wake to a loving little babbling boy who constantly says “da da da da da” right now even to wake me up on Mother’s Day. Oh, the irony. 
I wish I could spend a Saturday shopping with my momma just like we use to. 
But now I’m blessed with a little man who chatters at every person we pass in Kroger. 
My biggest fan is gone. 
Now I get to be someone else’s biggest fan. And my goodness am I ever. 
I hear the words “Mother’s Day” and cringe a bit knowing everyone (ok, not everyone) gets to see their mom on this special Hallmark holiday and my heart aches when I see my grandma and aunts who love me so dearly. 
Today I heard the words “Happy Mother’s Day” from the most loving man I know, my husband, and I broke into tears. Sadness because I’m celebrating without her combined with total sleep deprivation because Easton had a really thought night. 
This Mother’s Day is unique. My first. One more first to conquer without her. When I feel pity for myself wondering when these firsts will ever end I look into his pretty blue eyes and I see her. I see a piece of me and a piece of her in everything he and I do together. I keep her memory alive in each and every moment. 
Being a motherless mother is far from easy or fun. It’s a challenge to go on but he makes every single day worth it. My two boys make waking up a joy. 
Even when it’s waking up at 1 am and then 2:30. And then even again at 4 am. 
Every moment is worth it. 
I’m blessed with a sweet boy who has a loving sitter to help make days special. Easton made this with Miss Jenny and I’m so grateful he has someone so special who loves him. We are truly lucky to have her in our lives. 
I even got flowers from him! 

I’m blessed to be a mommy. 
Something I’ve wanted my whole entire life. 
I’m blessed because I learned from the best. 
I’m blessed with a sister who loves and guides me into this journey of motherhood. I’m blessed because I have a grandmother who has given so much and aunts who care for us daily. I’m blessed with special women who try their hardest to fill that role. I’m blessed with best friends who answer the most ridiculous texts about the most obscene things. Thank goodness I have them for this crazy ridiculous ride of life. 
I’m blessed because I get to snuggle with this guy who will someday call me momma. 

I am who I am and owe it all to her. I live each day hoping Easton will know her too…..through me. 
Honest Abe said it so well…
Being a momma is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. Thank you to my loving husband for being next to me each step of the way. 
We created the most perfect little man I could have ever dreamed of. 

Love is Love

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I’m just over it. 
I’m over the Facebook posts and the news stories about trans people in restrooms and gay people getting married.  
Let them be!  Let them love! 
Love is love. 
Right now I can’t sleep because all I see on the late night news is hate.  I can’t sleep because I look at my sweet, loving, innocent baby and think, “Love who you want, just love.”
Love someone just like your daddy loves me.  Love them with your whole heart and soul and love them like you’d die for them.  Just love sweet boy, just love.  
Today I read an article about a Methodist preacher (my religion) who married two men.  Not going to lie (and this will probably make some people dislike me) I was rather thrilled.  I’m happy this pastor took a stand and did what he felt was right.  You can tell me that in the bible it says being homosexual isn’t allowed.  You can prove to me with a verse and I have one to show you that makes me feel otherwise.   
Bottom line, in my opinion, is God is love.  He gave his only Son for our sins and folks, we all sin….daily.  No one is perfect.  No one will ever be perfect. 
I can make you one guarantee right now.  If we all loved a little more and hated a little less this world would be a much safer place to live in. 
I’m not going to worry about sending my child in a bathroom because someone filled with hate wants to pretend to be someone they’re not. That’s like saying I’m not going to send my kid to a public school because someone with hate “might” come with a gun.  
I choose not to live in fear. 
Do I stress occasionally about those things?  Sure. 
Do I think about them every so often?   Absolutely. 
Do I watch the news and shake my head in disbelief?  Damn right.  
This world is scary.  
I choose not to live in fear.  I choose to take my stress, anxiety, and disbelief and pray.  I pray that there will be more love.  I talk to God and pray because that’s what gets me through.  
I love my Lord and I know that no matter what I will see my mom again in Heaven and my husband and my son will be right there with me someday.  
It doesn’t matter who Easton decides to love.  I will see him in Heaven because that’s what I choose to believe. 
I choose love. 

5 months

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These days are flying by, folks.

Flying by so fast I barely have time to get on here and keep track of all the wonderful things that are going on in our lives.  Each day gets better and better and just when I think I have this motherhood thing out….BAM.  Life (otherwise known as Easton) throws me a curveball.

I may sigh.
I may roll my eyes.
I may have a slight panic attack.

But, I am seriously loving it.

This 5 month old is growing so fast. He skipped right through the 3 and 6 month clothing and has decided to move right on to 9 and 12 month clothes. 

So here’s what’s been going on leading up to month 5 for our little E man. 

He’s a talker.  Not a quiet talker.  More of a loud mouth.  I have no idea where he gets it from.  Ha!  Poor little guy really didn’t stand a chance.  Between his mother running her mouth and his father schmoozing work people over all the time it’s probably all he heard in the womb.  Wah wah wah.

We celebrated his first Easter.  It was actually the day before I had to return to work and I have to say it was really nice to spend it with family to keep my mind off of the dreaded day.  I shed some tears when my sister offered to hold him for a nap at family dinner.  I realized it would be on of the last snuggly naps during the day for a while and I just wasn’t ready to give that up.  We visited the creepy Easter bunny and he was still little enough to just stare at the camera and not scream and throw himself around causing a scene.  We did some typical Easter poses with him grabbing an egg but truthfully he had no interest at all in what the kids were doing.  He just drooled and checked out all the colors. 

We also attended my sister’s annual EGGstravaganza.  Again, we posed for pictures.  We pretended he was enjoying coloring eggs.  He just sat there like a bump on a log God love him.  He looked so precious and had no idea why the paparazzi were back again.  He does love all the colors and his big cousins and the loud noises they bring!

After Easter, Easton met Miss Jenny and all of his new friends at daycare on March 28th.  I cried the night before as I read him a bedtime story.  I cried most of the night as I watched him sleep.  I cried as I got him ready.  I cried as I held him basically refusing to put him in his carseat.  I cried the whole way to Jenny’s.  I cried and she held me.  I cried as I walked out her door.  I cried the whole way to work.  I cried as I walked into work.  As soon as I saw my students I pulled it together and held it fairly well until lunch time when I cried again.

Then, all was well with the world.  No more tears.  When I picked that baby up and he was happy as can be with some new friends and friends he loves and a babysitter who loves him dearly all my worries and tears washed away.  He seriously loves it there.  She says he’s always a happy guy.  He loves the other kids.  He naps well.  He eats well.  He’s loving life because he’s socializing and I can rest easy knowing this is the second best option for us.  First would be hitting the lottery and me staying at home.  Miss Jenny is amazing and I don’t worry at all during the day because I don’t know how she does it, but she does.  She loves every single one of the kids like they are her own and she is a miracle worker. 

Being out and about more brought on the usual….runny nose….then cough.  That went on for a couple of weeks.  We used our best friend the “nose frida” and judge me all you want….using that thing is the most glorifying task that motherhood has brought me yet.  (kidding!)

Obviously the chick above is not me.  But it shows you hot to do it.  No, Easton does not lay there that happily and take it.  He’s becoming a serious mover and thrasher for nose suction and diaper changes.  However, he totally is starting to appreciate me a little more when he can breathe.  Then I get to clean the snot from the tube and wash it sludge down the sink.  It’s so gratifying.  It’s disgusting.  Really the disgusting part isn’t that you taste their snot because I promise you don’t.  It’s hearing the snot coming out, seeing it, and washing it away.  It’s like you’ve saved their life.  Just not that grand.  
We use it every morning and every night still because the congestion issue hasn’t gone away.  I know some day this boy owes me a lot for literally sucking the snot from his brain to allow him to breathe better.  I’m his savior, basically.  
On April 11th he rolled from his back to his belly.  He freaked out just a bit because I screamed like a lunatic and scared him and I think he scared himself trying to figure out how in the hell did he do that?!  Lately he’s doing it more often and just tonight he did it twice while chilling on the floor so momma could eat some dinner.  Still each time he does it he looks at me with this confused look about what he’s suppose to do next.  

He’s really starting to notice Shiloh now.  He watches her every move.  She could still care less about him.  She licks him occasionally and then walks away.  I think she’s thoroughly disgusted we brought him home and would like to return him.  Too bad for her!

His chunky thighs and man boobs are super ticklish and I love to get him going.  He sort of tenses up and forgets to breathe when he’s being tickled.  Not too the point of concern but certainly to the point of total cuteness. 

He’s still taking 4 naps a day, 2 longer ones and 2 shorter ones.  He’s up and at em ready to go at 5 am.  He eats and then talks happily while we get ready to head out.  Sometimes he falls back asleep and chills with daddy but that never lasts long.  This also means that he has no idea when it’s Saturday and Sunday and still wants to be up super early.  Not gonna lie, I totally miss sleeping in on the weekends.  However, you should see all the shit someone can really accomplish before 8 am on a Saturday.  It’s insane.

4 month sleep regression.  It’s real.  It’s totally real….and it sucks.  Big time.  4 months and back to work/daycare hit and I swear it’s like he knew I really needed my sleep and just lost his mind every night usually around 11:30, 1:30 and 3:30.  And 3:30 is just late enough that I really never could go back to sleep before waking again at 5.

But guess what?  That phrase “this too shall pass”?  It’s for real.  It passed and we survived.  He started sleeping 7:30-5 again.  Hallelujah!

Then, he got sick.  That whole runny nose thing turned into a cough.  A cough that woke him up and scared the crap out of me.  So I finally took him to the doctor this week.  I thought it was just a cold.  He never ran a fever.  He was never crabby.  A cold will pass too, right?  Well I was starting to feel like it might be something else and got advice from my sister and aunt and we headed to the doctor.  He had a sinus infection and got his first antibiotic.  His ears and lungs were good and clear but poor baby has his momma and poppa’s sinus issues already.

Good news is that he loves the medicine.  I think he would down the whole bottle if I let him but 4.5 mL will have to do.  I hate starting him so young on an antibiotic but I also want him feeling better.  You would never guess the poor kid is sick til you lay him flat and he starts to cough. 

He’s still totally breastfed and that works for us. We will try some food in a month but for now his mommas milk obviously does this little body good!
I take every nap snuggle I can get. That will never change!
He still loves loves loves his baths and found he’s toes and can’t stop playing with them!

His smiles are endless and we are so lucky to have a happy baby!

He loves to read, especially all the touch and feel books. 
Sometimes he watches momma get
ready in the morning. This is my favorite stage so far. Happy and Snuggly yet still immobile. 
We may not get to see his girlfriend, Gracie, as much but they are still madly in love. Can’t wait for the summer!
All dressed up for church. 
Cool dude in his shades. 
As each day passes I love him more and more and can’t figure out why my heart hasn’t exploded into a million little pieces. 
He’s not perfect. 
We aren’t perfect parents. 
But I feel like we are getting pretty damn good at it and our babe seems pretty pleased with our skills. 
I consider that a WIN!

4 months

/ ashleyeileenp / Leave a comment
Our little man is 4 months old today. I can’t believe how quickly he is growing. Everyone tells you but you just don’t believe it until it actually flies by. 
In this last month he’s changed so much and I’ve cried almost daily just at the thought of returning to work and missing these moments.  I really don’t want to miss any piece of time with him. It’s what is best for our family (returning to work) but I’ll probably always wish and hope times were different and I was able to be at stay at home mom. Who knows, maybe someday that will be a possibility. For now I beg you not to tell me I could make it work if I really wanted to because you don’t know our situation and I’m liable to punch you in the throat. 
Anyways. 
Let’s take a look at my sweet babes last month. 
I cherished all snuggled and took advantage of his 45 minute nap intruder. When he was still tired I rocked him back to sleep and napped with him. Because….why the heck not?
He still wakes up this happy every single morning. He’s such a morning guy and always excited to see our faces. I’ll remind him of this in about 13 years. 
For some reason this whole 45 minute intruder really started to suck the life out of our days. I’ve felt like when we’re home all day I’m constantly battling him to take a nap. And this cute pouty face was just not having it. 
He’s finally into his toys!  He loves his Sophie giraffe and anything he can get in his mouth. 
And the clothes. 
It’s not tutus and frilly dresses but it’s still fun to dress him each morning and squeeze his chunky butt into something adorable. 
He does nap. 
Really
I just panic because I think he should be sleeping more. Maybe he’s just a babe that doesn’t need much sleep during the day. He’s happy when he’s awake!
His hair is still crazy and he’s getting a little bald spot in the back since he moves around more in his sleep. 

He loves his bedtime stories with mommy or daddy!
He’s still in love with Miss Gracie. He’s jealous of her thigh rolls but dominates her in heighth. 
He loves to visit Great Grandma and she loves to see him too. This visit ended with projectile spit up all over GG’s shoes. Whoops!
Tummy time isn’t as fun as it use to be but he tolerates it once or twice a day. He’d rather be sitting up with help!
We’ve rooted the Hoosiers to a spot in the Sweet 16. Wahoo! Thanks to Didi for our IU onesie. 
Sometimes when his Aunt Kiki babysits his cousins like to play dress up with him. This is his Uncle Woodbury look. 
He’s constantly on the move. Twisting to see the TV. 
Kicking his way in a circle. 
Even breaking down his little gym with all his kicks!
His first “Ussie”
More nap time snuggles and those chubby little fingers. 
Mommy got more adventurous and took him shopping more. This was a Hobby Lobby trip!
Of course we saw the Easter bunny and as you can tell he was thrilled!
I took a day to plan and adjust to life back at work and Easton spent the day with Michelle. It was hard for me to be away all day but I got this happy dude picture!
Every day he loves his jumpy seat more and more. A little added support beneath him and behind him still but he’s loving sitting up like a big guy!
His 1st St. Patrick’s Day!
A play date with cousin Jack
Cooking dinner with momma. 
And his 4 month photo shoot with the help of his big cousins!
4 month milestones:
He rolled from his tummy to his back a few times but is no expert yet!
He started only sleeping 5 hours at night waking in the middle of the night with tummy pains and now is back to 8-10 hours thank goodness!
He had a big shopping and lunch trip with Mamaw for new summer and spring clothes 
He’s kicking a LOT more and harder too!
He still loves his bath time at night. 
He went to Juncle Club for the first time at momma’s gym and has had some more babysitters. 
We had a scary stroller fall at the mall and mommy was very thankful for our Guardian Angel who told me to buckle him in right before it happened. Otherwise it could have been a lot worse!
He’s starting to give kisses. Wet. Drolly. Fabulous ones. 
He’s getting a little difficult to change his diaper with all his wiggles so I’m guessing that will only get worse! And by worse I mean more exciting for us. 
This next month will be difficult not spending every single day with him but I know he will enjoy Miss Jenny and socializing with new friends. 
Happy 4 Months EDubs!

Pity Party of 1

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Dear Mom, 

Every day I look into little man’s eyes it breaks my heart a little because you aren’t here. You aren’t here for me to ask questions. You aren’t here to hold my hand. You aren’t here for me to drop him off at your house so I can take a break or run errands. You aren’t here and selfishly I need you here more for me than I think for him. You aren’t here physically where I can see you and feel you but I know you watch over us. I swear you stand right behind the chair because he’s constantly looking up in that empty space smiling. 
I’m struggling. My anxiety and now a little depression. I’m struggling knowing I have to return to work in a few weeks and leave him behind. I’ll miss stuff and I don’t want to. It’s not fair. I wish I could stay at home. 
I realize I can’t. It’s not what is best for our family and I have to stop thinking of myself all the time. 
But then I really cry when I think about what the second best option would be. The option so many of my friends have. His grandma watching him every day. You watching him every day. You could spoil him rotten. Sing him songs. Read him books. You watching him every single day would be the second best option to me staying at home. 
Even that’s not an option. 
It sucks this isn’t even an option but I guess in the grand scheme of things it’s just me being selfish. You couldn’t really be a grandma if you were with him every single day. He needs to socialize and make friends at daycare. And Miss J is going to love him so much and he will adore her too. 
This is just me being whiney. 
Declaring, yet again, life’s not fair. 
This isn’t an open invite to my pity party. It’s just a party for me. 
Tomorrow is a better day. A new day. 
I just had to whine a little. 

3 months old

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Today Easton is 3 months old. 

Tear. 
I can’t wait to see all the photos his talented Didi got this weekend for his 3 month photo session. 
And I’ve realized I have made a major mommy fail. I haven’t blogged/journaled about his 1 month or 2 month accomplishments but I hope to get back on track from here on out. So here’s an apology to E for the future – I’m sorry sweet darling but you swallowed my life whole when you arrived and I completely forgot to document the first two months of your life on here. I do have pictures. I have a baby book filled out (or working on) and I’ve taken some videos. But for some reason I can’t find time to do it all. This motherhood gig has taken up all my free time because there’s nothing else I would rather do than kiss on your chubby cheeks and smell your head and hold you. So, my apologies. I was loving you too much to get it all written down. I promise to do better. 
Love, 
A Mommy Head Over Heels in Love
Ok, moving on….
So Easton is 3 months old today and life has changed so much. He has changed so much. I think almost daily I tell his daddy how I don’t want him to grow anymore than he already has. I love him so much I just can’t stand all this change. It literally hurts my heart. 

In the last month he has…
Become very chatty during his bedtime feeding. It’s like he knows we are about to be apart in separate beds for over 6 hours and his little heart can’t stand it. He wants to coo and tell me all about his day. His eyes light up as he nurses and he unlatches often to make one of his many sounds. 

His farts make him smile. This must be a boy thing because I swear my husband does the same. 

Mommy and daddy had their first date night for mommy’s 32nd birthday and then the next weekend to see mommy’s other man, Pat McAfee on his comedy tour. E got to stay with Aunt Cathy who he’s very fond of. She knows all the magic tricks to get him to giggle and even fall asleep. She’s like Easton’s personal baby whisperer.  He has her wrapped around his chunky fingers. 

Within the last week he has been chowing down on his hand. Like slurping, sucking, drooling monster over his hands. They must taste delicious. 
He’s started to giggle a little. It’s kind of a silly giggle and it’s not real hearty yet but he has a smile and noises all together and he’s clearly a happy guy when we do certain things. He loves attention and when you’re not giving it to him he will be sure to let you know. 
Papaw and Mamaw Plank have bought him a few touch and feel books. One we read at bedtime and a new one he got for Valentine’s Day and these books make him VERY happy. As soon as I get them out to read he begins talking and getting excited. Textures are his thing right now and I know this will only get more exciting. 
He’s started taking a nap a day in his crib. He’s still sleeping in our room in his bassinet next to the bed, but we want him to get use to his crib for the future. He usually only lasts for 45 minutes to an hour and almost always wakes up because he pooped himself. But still, we are napping in the crib and that’s a big step. 
A few days a week he really loves his momma and wants to give me a break so he takes a big fat 2 hour nap. Sometimes even 3 hours. And sometimes 2 of those in a day. Those days I get SO much done. If only I knew when he was going to sleep that long then I would lay down myself and catch some Zzzz’s but usually I want to get caught up on house chores. 
The new noises out of this babe are hilarious. Coos. Yells. Grunts. Lots of grunting.  He is very chatty. Sometimes he even fakes a cry to get your attention and the minute you come rescue him he gives you a big cheesy grin. 
Today he weighs 14 lbs 4 oz and he’s definitely moved on to 3-6 month clothing. It’s hard for me to give up some of those 0-3 mth clothes, especially ones he only wore once!

He’s done so much in the last month. 
Basketball games at Mt. Vernon.
Visits with Great Grandma Snider
His 2 month check up with shots and a super sleepy day. 
Lots of tummy time to make him stronger. 
Play dates with Gracie, his girlfriend. 
A play date with cousin Jack. 
Lots of time with his cousins. 
Play time with Papaw
Hanging with Daddy
Loving being naked 
His 1st Valentine’s Day!
Naps with his blanket in the swing
Cheesy grins
Crazy hair
Chatting with Gracie
Milk drunk
Growth spurts with hardly any naps making his momma crazy!
A new seat he loves!
Happy 3 months my little Prince!

Bringing Sexy Back

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He’s so perfect. 

He’s perfect and I’ve still got all this extra skin and curves. It’s all proof I’m a new mom, but I’m also ready to feel a little better and have some more energy. 

Our new wellness center opened last week and the excited, post-baby, body of mine was thrilled (sarcasm) to get back in shape. 

Last June all pregnant and sassy I signed up and thought to myself….this will be perfect. This gym will be open just after I birth my sweet angel and I’ll be running marathons and 5ks again in no time. 
What the hell was I thinking?
First and foremost, I hate leaving my boy. Like….hyperventilate hate. I miss him the moment I leave and cry just about every time. And yes, I’m well aware that returning to work is going to suck. Thanks for the reminder. 
So how do I make time for myself and getting in a workout AND feel like I’m being the best mom I can be?
It’s tough. Right now he’s not old enough to probably even know or at least remember I left him. He’s also too small for the gym’s “jungle club” so I have to wait for daddy to be home or Aunt or Mamaw to be available to watch him. My gym time at this point relies solely on when others are available. So my husband has been home quite a bit this week and I’ve been everyday so far. I haven’t wanted to go but I figure, I better take advantage of being able to go. When I’m there I’m texting him constantly to check in on little man. It’s just tough because I feel selfish taking time for myself when I could be cuddling him and smiling with him. I don’t want to miss anything. 
Second, it has been almost a year since I’ve worked out. I swear I will continue working out during the next pregnancy because this totally blows trying to get back in shape. REMEMBER THAT PREGNANT FRIENDS. Work it out. Walk. Elliptical. Something. Don’t just sit around and get fat and sassy like I did because you will totally regret it later. 
I am in a lot of pain from just two weeks and about 6 sessions of working out. And I really haven’t done anything that impressive. Things are aching and my any doesn’t give a damn that momma wants to lay in bed all day or soak in a hot tub. I’ve got someone else to take care of besides myself, remember? 
Moral of the story – gym life makes you feel selfish but dang it you’ve got to feel healthy to keep up with the kiddo. I’m not going to be a young momma….especially for that 5th kid in 10 years (husband rolls his eyes) so I’ve got to stay active. 
Plus, the gym is always totally full of good people watching and that, my friends, is just about worth every dang trip. 
I’ll be bringing my sexy back real soon. 
Ya, right. 

Responsible

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I’ve taken on a huge responsibility. 

His name is Easton and I love his little chunky butt. 
It dawned on me how responsible I actually have turned out to be after making a responsible financial decision. 
I turned down a new beautiful cute shirt for myself because I realized it was worth about 216 Pampers Swaddlers Size 1 on Amazon and I’d be needing to order more of those soon. 
I haven’t purchased new normal (non maternity) clothes for myself since looooong ago. I splurged on some nursing tanks when I realized how much easier they are to get the goods out in public. That’s how I’ve treated myself in the last two months. Tanks for easy access. Go me!
I didn’t need that shirt. I’d rather Easton be taken care of. I would rather buy him a new outfit. I would rather spoil him than myself.
Being responsible can be fun. 
Being responsible is thinking of new things for myself in equivalencies of diapers and wipes. 

Gourmet Grazer

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My name is Easton and I have a problem.  

I get sloppy when I eat. 
Some call it milk drunk. 
I call it satisfaction. 
Thanks to my momma. 
10 weeks and going strong with this breastfeeding gig. Enjoying every looooooong minute it takes Mr. E to get his belly full and all the sessions stuck to the suction machine that makes that awful noise. The freezer is filling up and that is sweet sweet satisfaction. 
I was reading an article this week that described the different types of babies and how they nursed. He definitely classifies as a “Gourmer Grazer.” Meaning he enjoys every savoury suck and gulp and takes his sweet ass time doing so. In this way, he is me. I love food and I love to taste it and enjoy it. He is certainly not like his father when it comes to eating. Sometimes I wonder if his daddy even chews his food before swallowing he inhales so quickly. 
My sweet boy takes his time and enjoys the buffet I have to offer. It’s taught me patience. That’s for sure. 
More on my newly taught patience later. 
For now my boy is calling for me. 
Later. 

What did I eat?

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This butt. This cute little tush. 
It’s making me gag. The last few days he’s literally made my eyes water. His gas is like a grown man’s farts. It’s awful. 
And when I cover up to nurse him while we are out it’s like a Dutch oven straight up to my nostrils. 
Thank you sweet angel. 
Thank you for farting right in your momma’s face. 
I mean, can you just poop already? It’s been a few days. I keep praying to Jesus that when this blowout occurs we are at least at home close to the bath tub because it’s gonna be a good one. 

I guess if we are being honest….he’s breastfed only right now. Which means that his smell is really my fault. 
What the hell have I eaten?