Today is the first blank page of a 365 page book.

It wasn’t important to make as big of a mess as possible and this is why the shirts got lost.

First off….I feel a bit scatter brained as I write tonight and I apologize that I’m all over the place.  Just randomly jotting down some thoughts before bed.

As I sit here planning out holiday food for the weekend and upcoming week, planning out holiday parties, and planning out how to maintain holiday cheer I can’t help but wonder about those who are not as blessed as I am.

Planning is my thing.  I don’t mind doing all this planning.  In fact, I enjoy it.  Sure, it gives me anxiety sometimes.  I think if I didn’t get a little worked up that I  might not feel normal.

What about those who don’t have to worry about planning time with family?  What about those who can’t afford to plan out holiday foods for over 5 gatherings?  What about those who are simply depressed or grieving the loss of a loved one?  Been there.  Done that.

I want to enjoy every moment of Christmas.  I know that it will be here and gone in the blink of an eye. This is my favorite time of year and I can only hope that I will simply take the time to breathe and enjoy time with all of my loved ones.  It can definitely seem like a “job” to schedule the family Christmas celebrations for everyone.  However, it’s all worth it.

I think back over 12 years ago and wonder what life would be like if my mom were still alive.  I know she would make Christmas special like she always seemed to do.  Flawlessly special.  No complaints, just pure joy.  Time for baking cookies.  Time for shopping.  Time for family.  Time for friends.  Time for traditions.

Each Christmas brings a feeling of loss and sadness that she isn’t physically here with us to enjoy it.  I know she’s here with us in spirit.  She’s in the tradition of baking cookies.  She’s in the joy of the littles.  She’s in the sound of the piano keys as I obsessively try and play some tunes I could play flawlessly years ago.  She’s everywhere.

I’m blessed to be planning out food, planning out parties, and planning out time with family.  Each day is a gift, not just the day we get loads of gifts.  We all have to be reminded of that sometimes.

This holiday season I wish you all the blessings of planning.  May you enjoy your family and friends time together without stress and simply take it all in.  Be in the moment.

It’s hard to believe that 3 years ago my sister and brother-in-law were blessed with a handsome little boy who would turn their world upside down….but in a wonderful way!

So here are some pictures of this little man’s life from the past 3 years. 

To little B- 

3 years ago your sister was super excited for your arrival little man….

Before any of us could meet you she got to tell us all about you and she was so excited!

You were basically perfect and looked just like your big sister….minus that extra appendage!

She may not always be overjoyed with your presence or your cute smirky ways, but she was head over heels in love with you this day!

This was the 2nd day of your little life.  Your cheeks, your nose, your little lips.  Everything perfect!

And look at that beautiful dark hair!

You spent your first wedding (Jared and Kate’s) dancing the night away with your sister and cuddling with great grandma. 

And here is your first Easter egg hunt…

At first you weren’t quite a fan of the pool but it slowly grew on you…

And sometimes we like to dress you up and play a little bit…

You started turning into a big boy and Aunt Addie got a little sad!

You were a definite crowd pleaser for your 1st birthday!

And making messes and driving your mom crazy and making everyone else laugh!

You event to Disney and met Buzz!

And turned 2!

And you were so proud…

I made you alien cupcakes with cousin Chey’s help

And you’re as rotten as ever to this day…

Obsessed with sweets….

Hugging every present you get…

Hamming it up every chance you get…

Because you’re the cutest thing ever!

I hope you know how loved you are. 

My wish for you is to grow up knowing you are loved each and every day of your life. 

My wish is that you always believe in yourself and never let anyone tell you to be anything but that. 

You’re loved and always will be little man. 

Happy 3rd birthday little B!

12 years has passed. We’ve made it 12 years without her somehow. I still can’t figure out how some days but we’ve managed.  

Our cheekbones, our eyes, our smile, our chimes, even down to the collar bone.  I have to wonder if i will creep myself out as I get older, maybe cut my hair off, stop getting blonde highlights, and maybe a perm. 

Nah, no perm.  

Another friend sent me this sweet message….

Your moth is always with you.  She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning. Your mother lives inside your laughter. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and she’s the map you follow with everything step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you.  Not time, not space…not even death.  

The last two lines constantly linger in my mind.  Nothing will separate us. 

The things that keep me close to her….

Her son and daughter

Her sisters

Her mom

Her best friend and her children

Her nieces and nephews

Her grandchildren who never knew her

The smell of cinnamon rolls

Any type of shopping

Hearing the piano or organ being played

Christmas

4-H

Sorority

Her cooking and recipes

You see….there is something every single day that keeps us from separating.  For that I am very grateful.  Reminded again that even though I only had her for 17 years that I was very lucky.  That I still am very lucky because I have a piece of her in my brother and sister, in her sisters, her mom, her best friend, her nieces and nephews, and all of those who played a part in her life.  

3 years ago when I met Mike he could barely understand what this day meant and what kind of loss I had suffered. Through time I think he’s come to know more about our loss and who she was.  3 years ago we made it a new tradition to make this day special.  Make it something she would love to be a part of….to celebration of Christmas.  

11 years ago we began an annual lunch at moms favorite restaurant with all of her favorite people.  A lunch at Olive Garden.  I time to be together, reminisce, and just feel the love and loss of an amazing mom, sister, aunt, and friends. 

So today I did all that.   I shopped (which she was so very good at), I ate lunch with my sister, aunts, cousins, and friends.  Then, Mike and I went to get our Christmas tree at Piney Acres. We actually went for cutting down our own tree.  

 

And when we came home my very own Clark Griswold flipped the switch and surprised me with this. 

So despite the pain, sadness, and loss that this day will likely always bring….I’m still a fortunate gal.  I’m fortunate to be loved and share in memories of the best mom ever.  

Ashley

I’ve been walking into stores and restaurants lately getting  more and more pissed as I see a sign that says “Thanksgiving Hours.”

First, I turned around and walked out.  Then, I turned right back around.  I got what I needed and proceeded to tell the manager on duty how wrong I think it is that he’s going to be open on Thanksgiving.  He’s taking away all of his staff from their families.  He’s taking away all the greedy people who want the stupid deal they can’t get any day but that day from their families.  Of course he blames someone else and says it wasn’t his decision.

I’m so irritated with this whole concept that we continue to bump up “Black Friday” and it’s deals.  It’s so greedy.  Is scoring a deal on the new PlayStation really more important than spending time with your family?  Is scoring that same deal equally important that you take the clerk away from their family as well?

What if we all get together and simply NOT shop on Thanksgiving?  Then, the stores wouldn’t be open.  Who’s with me?!?!  Likely…not everyone.  Which is disappointing.

To each his own I suppose.

But seriously….

What ever happened to the stores opening at 6 am the day after Thanksgiving?

Can we just go back to that?

I’d feel a lot better about this world and the people in it if we did.

For years I have harassed my friends how incredibly lame they are for owning and driving a mini van.  Especially my dear friend who even has the stick people on the back end.

Maybe that makes me a not so great friend.

Of course, they know how sarcastic and playful I can be.  I sure hope they’ve never taken it to heart.

Truthfully, I’ve just always told myself I would never own a mini van.  No way on earth would I ever sit my butt behind a wheel of a mini van full of carseats.

And then Monday happened.

Monday I was blessed with an opportunity to drive my best friend’s mini-van to pick up her little one from daycare.  I was a little nervous.  Not sure what all the controls did.  Couldn’t figure out the headlights.  But then I started cruising….

and I felt like a badass.  A badass in a minivan.  Is that even possible?  It sure felt like it.

I’ve changed my mind.  Mini vans are amazing.  You can control the heat/air for every single nook and cranny of that monster.  The DVD player automatically works and keeps the little one entertained.  Of course, that also means I now know every single word to the show “Doc McStuffins” but I figure it could be worse.  Lastly, it just glides down the road smooth as a baby’s butt.

Crazy.

Never thought I would fall in love with a mini van.

Then, I did.

Maybe I’ll be able to find one like this…

with a sticker like this!

Fortunate to have friends with awesome mini vans,

This whole trick or treat debate has me seriously wondering what the heck has happened to this world. 

There are Sunday mornings where I am up early making Sunday dinner in the crockpot, folding laundry, sipping coffee…..and wondering, “Why am I not at church?”

You see we found this amazing church up north and we loved the pastor and the people but it became too much of a drive when we moved further south than where we previously lived.  Although, there are days that I wonder if a drive is worth the feeling you get from a great pastor and wonderful fellowship with people who don’t judge you.

Ever since we left that church we really just stopped the search all together.  At first our excuse was the remodeling of our house.  We spent every minute that we weren’t at our jobs working on things in and outside of the house.  Then summer came and weekends are busy.  Then school happened again and work picked up for my guy and again…we just were too busy to get our butts out of bed to spend a little time with God.

Ridiculous.

Yesterday as I sat by myself in the peace of the early morning with my coffee after tidying up the house I couldn’t help but wonder….what is missing?

Church is missing.  Not really just church the place….but the fellowship with friends and family.  The word of God.

Please don’t get me wrong.  I realize I am not a perfect Christian.  I am probably far from it entirely.

 However, I do believe.  I believe there is something greater than us.  I believe that I sin.  I believe we all sin.  I believe in asking forgiveness.  I believe in prayer.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe in giving back in many ways.  I believe.

I have a church I grew up in.  I have many family and friends who still go there.  It isn’t close to our house but it would probably be a good place to start.

Sometimes I think….ehh…we’ll just go to church when we have kids and it’s more important to get them involved in church.  But really?  That is not a good excuse any more.  We should probably be thanking God now for everything we have, including each other.

My thoughts are rambling.  I know that I don’t have to go to a building to worship God.  I could be doing it right in my house with my honey.  I just think that if we had a place where we felt we belonged we might get a little more out of it.  Someone to help guide us in the right direction (a pastor) and friends who walked the way with us (fellowship).

You see….something is clearly missing.

Everyone has holiday rituals.  One of our rituals, like many, is to visit the pumpkin patch.  The past few years we have tried different places.

And sometimes little man doesn’t like to cooperate for photos.  

And then I started to think about all our past pumpkin patch visits and just how quickly time flies.  Of course I shed a few tears.  It’s only natural to cry when you think about the past and realize you can’t go back in time.  

It can go from this….

To this…

In here blink of an eye.  

And I realized I’m totally blessed and fortunate to be included on all their special family outings.  I love being there for all these special moments and I wouldn’t trade them in for anything in the world!

I also couldn’t help but think how grown up my niece is.  

But very thankful for their second joy to be a part of a new family picture.  His sense of humor is sure to make you smile and he’s quite the squirrel. 

I love old photos. 

I love traditions. 

I love my family. 

Extremely fortunate, 

Ashley